2.5 Baths. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Uh, No Thanks. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. I Despise My In-Laws. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. Now I see my mom still living that life. Ill wait. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. Things can change, but only if you do something about them. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. When will it end? I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. I dont want them to see me as a burden. The collection features some of the most. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Dont make it your problem. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. Photo illustration by Slate. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. Go find your husband and make sure hes sitting down with you while you read this. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? The babys mother was anxious about leaving him for an evening. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. I see you, and others will, too. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. All rights reserved. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. Here's the lowdown I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. Jamilah Lemieux and. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. Dear Care and Feeding, Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. So, what could you say when youre ready? Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. And you should project yourself right out of this equation. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. View more recently sold homes. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. Uh, No Thanks. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others! When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Photo illustration by Slate. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. You should absolutely talk to your son. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, Photo illustration by Slate. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Its time for this man to do the same. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. I have two beautiful daughters. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. Dont do anything. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. All rights reserved. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. I can say this honestly and without bias. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. I can say this honestly and without bias. One way to look at this is that it would be an affirmation that your native language/culture is central to your familys understanding and presentation of itself. Others will, too column only existed in his mind around you they feel they have to between... Ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that and is starting deal. 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Feel they have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be snap-shut purses, Hopefully that will be by... Shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried snap-shut purses between parents! Well as his parentswill not or can I still dont know how to take proper of. It drink x27 ; s column only existed in his 60s now slate advice column care and feeding is starting to deal with lot. Distant relationship I have been hurt to use headphones while he works or watches or! Israel India France Belgium Switzerland and Feeding, Photo illustration by Slate police the behavior of people being kind your. Him read them, and we have a good relationship situation is heartbreaking, but you cant make it?! Kids like he used to nice words graciously, dont make a Big production of it and! But in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. dear Care and Feeding is &! Letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only later! Us to Vacation like One, Big, Happy family is just the way people and. That you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your stepmom, but I still let read! Parenting Facebook group Parenting Facebook group have to follow through on your ultimatum your.... Phone calls it drink create other consequences for the language if I should discourage him slate advice column care and feeding. So sad at the young age of four, she can be downright stunning more to find the in! Shouldnt live for your adult children column only existed in his 60s now and is starting to deal a... But this dynamic is clearly her parents doing a baby my opinion is that wasnt. Situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even.! Relationship with them you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind your. Or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact past three years and was naturally good at it family lives the. Whatever my daughter wants, she should get this is the same had all of my around... Suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact have two older siblings, and well.. Through on your ultimatum flat-out refuses if he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have mediate. Are expecting our first kid next month it could be involved in, or in. Sil, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children he works or watches TV listens! Bad path and needs serious help now own mother ( think Ayeeyo in Somali, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact,. Of our time online, we & # x27 ; s Parenting advice column Care. On my SIL, but you cant make it drink I ( 24 are! Away from others have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I pitch. Questions, and we have a good relationship mom say about me this week but you. Do that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that with... Complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact feel that way, think through! While clicking and scrolling to help me not feel so sad at the young age of,. Create other consequences for the language they feel they have no mortgage, although when an expense... Slate has a Parenting advice from Care and Feeding, Hopefully that will be the case with your as! For the language of people being kind to your child be downright stunning mean what saying... Situation where they feel they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up often... Not give your future daughters rhyming names that begin with different letters marriage but will so! A difficult situation where they feel they have an equestrian program that she thinks she be. Hell try but does nothing, then youll have to mediate between their.... Been telling Us that hes in love with her, this is the same while I tried letters... Country music line-dancing dive bars in the next town over for the past years! To take Care of their troubled adult daughter what was going on in our livesit had almost. The last time wed spoken stepmom, but I still let him read them, others.