Seriously. Coming over last minute and late at night isn't romantic. Come up with a reason why you want to come over. I wish the african violet idea had been around back then. Or maybe what I was doing would have seemed less interesting than an SO in the living room. I'm not sure about your apartment or home, or whether you and the guy are both single, but when a guy invites you over to his place, the most obvious explanation is that he's planned sex for the evening. You may also send him a quick text message expressing your excitement to meet him and casually confirm the date ahead of time to verify the arrangements are still on track. . And Im usually ok w/ that. Let them know! Saying no can be hard for me, especially if youre at the front door. The etiquette of invitations varies widely as to region, culture, relationship & history, personality, not to mention cellular phone ownership and use, and its a particular minefield for people who have anxiety around and/or trouble reading nonverbal or unwritten social cues. Has their baby barfed on me/Do we spend a lot of time in each others houses? The only difference I can tell between this and the bike incident is that it was about a bike and it would be me dropping by her home rather than office. said person has said, hey why dont you stick around for a while, in pretty much those exact words). All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. Only me. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. Me too! Guess Cultureplays a part, where Askers figure Why not, the person can just say no! and Guessers are like Arrrghhh how can the person not know better/I find it very difficult to say no to a direct request. So Im glad that you wrote in. If it werent for the fact that shes very understanding about how introverted I am it would bug the hell out of me, and if we werent close friends if probably be mysteriously perma-busy after a few occasions of this (after trying Use Your Words, depending on how much I cared about the friendship.) You may be as creative as you want, and if you are competent at cooking, they will be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. Oh Lord, yes! Plus, Im mostly talking about making plans with friends who arent BFFs. "The White House has invited me & I think it's a step in the right direction. Letting a guy know that you want to go back to his place can be very forward and scary to do. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. And thats really the hard part. So they test, and test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection still exists. Here are nine things that are bound to happen when you spend more time at your significant other's place: 1. Now that were grown? To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). A guy may not even realize you want to spend time with him at his place until you bring it up. It can feel highly embarassing that you cant maintain higher standards. I was always transgressing somehow and he would get so angry, and I was always left thinking, wow I have no idea why we are in this situation. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. On the individual level as well. and there are a few people at church Ive invited. Even if it was their idea. The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. Yes! Then you can say, What are you doing later/tonight/this weekend? and theyll say, Hannibal marathon with X and Y, want to come? or even, I was thinking about heading down to the new brunch place, and you can try something like, Ive been meaning to check that place out! which is not QUITE inviting yourself along but can land you an invitation. Keep it minimal and casual. I MISS the days when people would stop by and you could invite them in or chat briefly on the stoop, as suited the homeowner side of the drop by. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. Miss Manners will tell you how to politely fish for an invitation as long as you promise never to ask directly: After the friend says that he or she is free, suggest that you "do . I had acquaintances that did that to me (hence not friends). It seems like every time Im breastfeeding the baby topless I hear my MIL calling, hello? from upstairs. Thats the real issue. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. Is something the matter? response from me, so. Showing up 10 minutes early to a business appointment shows organization and interest and a willingness to wait respectfully in the lobby until theyre ready for you. Id say, just go ahead and ask. Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. +1 to this. Although I still would only do it in a more extreme or solitary instance, rather than a pattern of behavior. Things you should offer to do: Help prep or cook meals; set the table and do the dishes; offer to drive; occupy the kids while their parents take a well-deserved nap; fix a little something around the house if you have the skills; or take the dog for a walk. Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. So Ill just tell her we have to go in two minutes, so please start picking up. That will give him the idea that you are busy and likable to people, and he will have more interest in you. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. Ah gosh, my mum does that all the time! For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won't discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it's an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house . *Maybe* they came in super quick to pee because they were on a long hike across the neighborhood, but that was it. We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. It shocked me when it happened I am an open-minded person! You just have to use your words to figure out what works for your own personal social circle. Answer door, but open it only a crack. She still isnt invited and she still isnt coming in. Im just generally a slightly messy, cluttered person. This "friend" is no longer invited to my home. Weve got a few errands to run, so how about if we drop by in about 30 minutes? that would be perfect. I think, overall, this is one of those situations where theres no one solution, like Everyone Must Always Call In Advance And Schedule Plans And Never Drop By. Physical issues too. ). It makes me feel good. It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. but the child in question left my kid a quivering wreck after any play time. Thats allowed too. The need to suddenly clean would discomfit me, sure, but I would be more bothered by some of the above. Sorry! No one needs to know how I live.). All it takes is the willingness to step forward, and pick yourself. Why view it as a personal offence? If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. I have a friend whose cousin will consistently show up to small gatherings dinner parties or tiny birthday parties, cocktail outings for girls nights out because they were mentioned to her and she decided that, having been mentioned to her, this was enough to consider herself invited. Unfortunately, during the same era, houseguests could stay for months and you couldnt ask them to leave. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. My friends had it even worse with a guy who would show up at their house literally hours early. Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) But so many people want to hang out all day. Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know. If you're a fun, interesting person, who gets along well with everyone who's coming, then nobody's really going to protest if you appear. In the most Brazilian(*) way, of course. While everyones comments about drop-in etiquette are really valuable and I would keep them in mind with other friends, my gut just keeps telling me this person is trying to pull a slow fade on you. Hell no!! Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. Youre right, I was oversimplifying I didnt mean to invalidate your experience. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. Click here to go to the free training. The mildly annoying scenario would call for asking him to amuse himself while I finished whatever I was in the middle of. I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. He worked from home-so he thought it disrespectful to not treat his home like any other office. Because they were not ones to take a hint. I really resent it. Its best to assume theyre not into drop-ins unless they make it clear they like that kind of thing. Your presence will glorify this party. Their legs might get tired! (Hell, even the Geek Social Fallacies mention that work is a common class that people are allowed to prioritize in time and attention above friendship. Le sigh. The dropping by for a hug comes over as very needy. If we were early, shed make my father drive us around the block until the correct time. A friend of mine lives there and I dont get to see her that often. Le sigh. What Im trying to get at is that it was fine because Third Person inserted themselves, rather than because big expensive things get a pass.. Just stop trying. Get a small to medium sized bag for your things. Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. It was a slight point of contention, because she had to put in unavailability requests (and had her rosters) two months ahead, whereas Im lucky to have my roster a week in advance. The calling out thing troubles me. To continue with dating parallels, I figure, if a social acquaintance likes me, they will act like they like me. I hold the one doing the rejecting responsible for being clear. Small apartment. Im very sorry that there was a miscommunication, and I hope well have a chance to get together soon., The script you REALLY need, though, is for your friend: Friend, we like seeing your cousin occasionally, but she seems to think that any invitation to you includes her as well, and thats not actually the case. I have ADHD and this is a thing I feel a lot. If you cant, at least call to update me! A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. When people tell you which thing they like, listen to them. Then suddenly it became not okay for ME to do that. @bunwat and @Anna Sthetic You guys are hilarious!! Clean the dishes in the sink? When you stop by at work for a hug there is an easy, I have to get back to work reason to end the encounter. Some of my mothers friends assume that its only polite to call when youre in the area and see if they want to hang out, and some of my generation shame-clean less than other people. I guess I thought that since we already had plans to meet at his apartment, had sent an email, and could have come back later easily if when I arrived wasnt a good time for him, I didnt even think about it. My friend is also spacey as hell.). Place yourself between her and her handbag and see if she leans over you to grab her stuff. Ive had way too many experiences of feeling like Im intruding to do otherwise. I also have this insecurity that most people dont really like hanging out with me, so deep down, Im kind of concerned that they mightve changed the plans and forgotten about me when they let everyone know OR that they changed their mind about hanging out with me but havent come up with a graceful way of canceling. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. Its what I try to do, thats when the comments about being silly comes in. Oh man the people who will turn up at the door and then call/text. The reason is that I didnt invite you. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Today, after school. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. Not in the South. But I did start noodling around on Twitter more recently, and all of a sudden I started getting more invites from my friends who use Twitter as much as I do. Simply make one of the many delicious recipes you can find here. Christine Jones is an editor who likes to write about modern dating trends and dating tips. Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Either she isnt interested in the friendship, in which case you pulling back will make everything easier and less painful for both of you, or she does want to be friends but minus surprise visits, in which case you are giving her space to reach out and make the kind of plans with you that she would actually enjoy. ". If the plans have nothing to do with me at all I have no trouble listening in and being happy for people doing fun things. The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. This happens here every. it can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you as their best friend. We should hang out later!, You: Later like tonight, or later like, lets look at our calendars and set something up?, Them: This was great, we should do this again sometime., You: I agree. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. If a loose, friendly group regularly go out for lunch at work, or meet for drinks afterward, it's probably alright to come along one day. That being said, I would check in with yourself and ask, are you still spending solo time with your friends? Ring the doorbell Maybe her social expectations are different to mine or what I grew up with. Me: Probably.. It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. Im okay with that sort of conversation, yet its been my experience that most people are not. Anyway, like the Captain was saying, not all strategies work all the time, but consistent application of methods can get you places. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). i have had that used on me enough by a gaslighty ex that i break out in hives when i hear it. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. *I am the still, deep, blue water* My neighbors friends all seem to find a perfect place to park while going in to get their friends: RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY SO THAT I HAVE TO DO SOME WEIRD STEERING WHEEL MANEUVERING TO PARK MY DAMN CAR. Oh, thats a good point. This kind of stuff is hard, but I firmly believe that there are solutions that will make everyone happy without anyone having to feel ashamed of their preference, goddamnit. I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. Also, no one from my work is ever welcome in my home, because the streams must not cross. But I cant quite think its rude to be five minutes early. If you want to build that kind of social situation into your norms then its (JUST) up to you to tell your friends to stop by whenever theyre in your area. Makes me pretty anxious about having ANY visitors. It conveys a message that you are not even expecting to be invited, seeing as you are going to hear all about if afterwards. I like to be able to decline social invitations. Of course we told them no. Funny on TV (for certain values of funny), but not so much in real life. Ragey is right! Id advise you to take dropping by her house uninvited completely off the table. You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. 2. Those mental issues existed twenty, forty, and sixty years ago, too. Im begging you, Awkward Army. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! Or as they are also known, mess-makers. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. One caveat to this is if you KNOW youre going to be near me every Saturday at Noon, and you start texting me every Saturday at 11, I might get annoyed. I dont know why, still. Yeeeeah, this is me too. Ideally you've got lots of other stuff going on in your social life, so you have this attitude naturally. If you could just not do that, that would be awesome. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. Were all moving to different cities now so I guess it wont be a problem any more with that specific group. NONE OF THE REST OF YOU ARE INVITED. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. Either way, I am put in the position of doing something I may not want to, or forced into having a difficult or awkward conversation about how or why I dont want to do that thing with friend. Or just the opposite could happen, and it may be a bad move to invite yourself to an outing where that kind of thing is commonly okay. I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. My narcissist mother apparently wore her own mom down so that she could just drop in any old time she wanted without calling or ringing the doorbell first. Homemade meals, as old-fashioned as they may appear, can be hearty, flavorful, warm, and simple to make. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. This is all excellent. Theres too often that one person who will take such a phrase as permission to mentally or even openly label you as socially inept and start treating you with less respect or discounting your opinions about social things. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. For me, its a bit like physical contact boundaries. Of course, these are people who I am not close to or do not like very much, and who I would have a hard time saying no to/will not accept I am busy and we cannot visit now as an acceptable answer. 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